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How to Deal With a Partner Who Has Wandering Eyes

Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20+ years. She's the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. 

Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.

Signs of a Wandering Eye

Differing viewpoints.

• Impact of Social Media
• Have You Crossed a Line?

How to Respond

When a person has a 'wandering eye,' it means looking and having sexual thoughts about people other than their current romantic partner. It may include behaviors such as overtly evaluating and appreciating someone's physical attractiveness or even outright flirting with people who are not their romantic partners.

When the issue of a partner's eyes wandering is discussed, there seem to be two general responses: Either the behavior is brushed off as nothing to be concerned about or feelings of hurt and disrespect ensue, which may harm the relationship .

Some even believe checking out people other than a committed partner is a sure sign of infidelity, or at least a form of micro-cheating . The true answer to whether or not this is OK lies with you, your needs, and your personal boundaries .

It is important to recognize that each person has differing definitions depending on their beliefs and boundaries. Some examples of behaviors that characterize a wandering eye include:

• Blatantly checking out another person
• Flirting with other people
• Having sexual fantasies about others
• Talking about sexual fantasies about other people
• Telling other people they are attractive
• Planning romantic or sexual encounters with people other than their partner
• Texting or DMing people other than their partner

The behaviors that characterize a wandering eye involve how a person thinks about or communicates with people other than their partner. If these thoughts or actions lead to romantic or sexual encounters, it would be defined as cheating .

According to  Gail Saltz, M.D ., a psychiatrist and expert on relationship matters, blatantly checking out, commenting on, repeatedly admiring, and flirting or touching someone else usually feels quite undermining to a partner.

For partners that are bothered by the behavior, having wandering eyes is often described as:

• A sign of disrespect
• Damaging to a relationship
• Insensitive behavior that shows a lack of caring
• One of the first signs of cheating and that a person is looking for another relationship

Dr. Saltz acknowledges that all humans have some measure of voyeurism and exhibitionism: we like to look and we like to show.

But unless both parties are confident of the others' affection and fidelity, an obvious and frequent wandering eye will generally stir up envy and hurt, making one feel unappreciated and even threatened in the relationship.

On the other hand, some people believe that having a wandering eye is perfectly normal behavior. People in this camp often don't worry about a quick glance, and some may not even be bothered by something more.

Those who feel this way often cite the following points:

• Looking at an attractive person is thought to be a natural physiological reaction.
• A person with wandering eyes just appreciates beauty.

Again, it's important to remember that you define what is normal and acceptable for yourself and your relationship. That said, a study published in the  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that a consistent wandering eye probably signals a more significant issue in a relationship, which is worth considering.

Some evidence suggests that people prone to having a wandering eye are also more likely to engage in infidelity. One study found that people who found attractive people more attention-grabbing were more likely to eventually cheat on their partners.

Impact of Social Media and Technology

People don't just engage in 'wandering' behaviors in real-world encounters. They can also make their way into online interactions. In such settings, 'wandering' might involve:

• Flirting with another person, either in the comments section on their social media post or via direct message
• "Liking" another person's photos to communicate interest
• Flirtatious, romantic, or sexual texting with people who are not the person's partner
• Intentionally joining social sites in order to engage in flirtatious communication with others

Such behaviors can affect trust, communication, and intimacy in a relationship. According to one survey, around a quarter of people in relationships feel that technology has had a negative impact on their relationships.

Have You or Your Partner Crossed the Line

It isn't always easy to determine if you or your partner have crossed a boundary in your relationship. This is because it is normal to think that other people are attractive and doing so doesn't necessarily mean that you've broken trust with your partner.

In order to recognize whether you or your partner have a wandering eye, consider the following:

• How would your partner feel if they knew about your behaviors?
• How would it make you feel if your partner was doing the same thing?
• Have you ever discussed boundaries with your partner?
• Does your current behavior violate your partner's trust?
• Are you hiding your behavior from your partner?

If you feel like your partner would be hurt or upset and need to hide your actions from them, it is a good sign that your actions are crossing the line. 

If you are bothered by your partner's eyes wandering, Dr. Saltz suggests that you make it clear that although you don't expect them to wear blinders, you don't want them to ogle someone else.

If your partner really won't make any effort to change and doesn't appear to care how it makes you feel, it's likely that other issues may be affecting your relationship that couple's therapy could help examine.

Indeed, it seems that research agrees with this advice. The aforementioned study goes on to say that nagging your partner to stop looking likely won't address any underlying problems, either. Your relationship will require communication and a strategy to boost satisfaction and commitment.

Leading with jealousy and sweeping requests for your partner to change his or her behavior may lead them to tune you out. Instead, Dr. Saltz suggests the following:

• Accept that your partner's wandering eye is not a reflection of your own attractiveness.
• Don't try to "police" your partner's wandering eyes.
• If your partner's wandering eye creates a problem in your relationship, discuss the issue with them. Start with your own feelings, not with an accusation or criticism. 
• Suggest couple's therapy or attend therapy on your own if your requests are continually ignored.
• Try to casually acknowledge it first when a beautiful person comes into view.

A Word From Verywell

A wandering eye could very well be a natural, simple acknowledgment of attractive people—nothing more. Of course, that may not be the case all the time. Regardless, your feelings should be valid to your partner. If it bothers you and you have calmly expressed as such to your partner, he or she should be receptive to your concerns.

DeWall, CN, Maner, JK, Deckman, T, Rouby, DA. Forbidden fruit: inattention to attractive alternatives provokes implicit relationship reactance . J Pers Soc Psychol . 2011;100(4), 621–629. doi:10.1037/a0021749

McNulty JK, Meltzer AL, Makhanova A, Maner JK. Attentional and evaluative biases help people maintain relationships by avoiding infidelity .  J Pers Soc Psychol . 2018;115(1):76-95. doi:10.1037/pspi0000127

Pew Research Center. Couples, the internet, and social media .

American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. About marriage and family therapists .

Dewall CN, Maner JK, Deckman T, Rouby DA. Forbidden fruit: Inattention to attractive alternatives provokes implicit relationship reactance .  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology . 2011;100(4):621-629. doi:10.1037/a0021749

By Sheri Stritof Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20+ years. She's the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. 

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How to Deal With a Partner Who Has Wandering Eyes

Jenni Jacobsen is a licensed social worker with a master's degree in social work from The Ohio State University, and she is in the process of completing her dissertation... Read more

In This Article

Dealing with a partner who has a wandering eye can be difficult. You may worry that they are not that interested in you or that they may leave the relationship for someone else.

There are ways to cope with men with roaming eyes, so you can determine if the relationship can be saved. It can also be helpful to understand this is a problem and when it is not.

Each situation is different, but in many cases, it may just be a natural reaction to beauty, and you and your partner should be able to understand the situation.

What does it mean to have a wandering eye?

Before you determine whether your partner’s roaming eye may be a problem, it is helpful to understand what is a wandering eye.

The number one indicator that someone has a roaming eye is that they can be seen checking out other people. Essentially, they will notice other attractive people and look their way.

Roaming eyes do not always have to occur in person. As such, people may also follow attractive people on social media.

Whether it occurs in person or on the Internet, a simple way to explain the wandering eye meaning is that it involves your partner noticing people who are physically attractive .

What causes a wandering eye in a relationship?

If you are dealing with such a person, you may be asking yourself what causes this behavior.

Having a wandering eye is simply a natural reaction to seeing attractive people. When it is only a quick glance in the direction of a particularly attractive person, a roaming eye can just signify a normal appreciation of beauty.

Psychologists have even spent time researching the underlying causes, and they have concluded that when something catches our attention as humans, we unintentionally look in its direction.

Simply put, we are easily distracted, and looking at an attractive person is a natural reaction to something distracting in the environment.

That being said, it is not always a problem. It can simply be your partner’s gut reaction to beauty and nothing more.

On the other hand, if your partner is openly ogling other people or going so far as to comment on their appearance or flirt with them, this case may be a red flag that signals deeper issues.

Signs your partner has a wandering eye

Now that you know what it means and what causes it, it can be helpful to know the signs of a roaming eye. Three signs to look for in your relationship include:

• On more than one occasion, you have caught your partner looking up and down at an attractive person in public.
• Your partner follows attractive people on social media, such as fitness models or women who pose in bikinis or skimpy clothing.
• Your partner may glance at a woman walking by but then return his attention to you.

Some of the above signs are a natural reaction to seeing someone attractive and may not signal a problem.

Some more obvious and hurtful signs your partner has a wandering eye are as follows:

• Your partner openly admires other people when with you and appears to look at them longingly.
• Your partner approaches attractive people and flirts with them in your presence.
• Your significant other appears to gaze intently at other people and makes comments about their appearance, such as how nice their bodies are.

Does having a wandering eye mean your partner is cheating?

Roaming eyes can be a source of concern in some relationships, and whether it signals cheating depends on the situation. As previously stated, it is often a natural reaction for people to glance in the direction of an attractive person.

You may even find that you tend to look in the direction of members of the same sex who happen to be beautiful. You are simply noticing and appreciating beauty, which is human nature.

When it is a quick glance and nothing more, it is probably nothing to worry about and likely does not mean your significant other is cheating. We cannot expect our partners to wear blinders and avoid acknowledging other people.

If your partner notices people of the opposite sex but quickly turns attention back to you, this behavior is usually totally acceptable.

On the other hand, there are cases where it can be indicative of a larger problem. In fact, people who view others as attractive are more likely to stray in their relationships. That being said, having a wandering eye is not the only indication that someone is at risk of cheating .

Other factors, including being dissatisfied with the relationship, are linked to cheating. Furthermore, the link between cheating and a roaming eye is seen among people who have difficulty looking away from attractive people.

What all of this means is that quick glances that occur in reaction to an attractive person do not typically mean your partner is cheating.

On the other hand, when a roaming eye becomes excessive, and it seems like your partner cannot help himself but continue to gawk, something more may be going on here, especially if he openly flirts with or talks about how hot other people are.

5 signs your partner’s wandering eye may be cheating

If you are worried your partner’s problem may mean that he is cheating, there are some telltale signs to be aware of that might confirm your suspicions. Here are five to consider:

1. Their habits with technology have changed

If your partner is suddenly hooked on the phone and seems to be scrolling through Facebook and responding to texts and emails at all hours, the roaming eye may have turned into cheating, and he is using the phone to connect with a person who caught his eye more than once.

2. Your partner is suddenly highly critical of you

If your partner seems to find something wrong with everything you do , it may be that the honeymoon stage of the relationship has passed, and they are too immature to handle your quirks.

Instead of working through this with you, they may have turned to someone else.

3. There has been a change in your sexual relationship

If a roaming eye has led your partner astray, you may find that your sexual relationship changes . In some cases, your partner may stop having sex with you because he feels guilty.

On the other hand, adding new habits to the bedroom could mean he has learned new tricks outside of the relationship.

While there can be other reasons for changes to your sex life, when these changes are sudden and are paired with a roaming eye and other signs of cheating, it can be cause for suspicion.

4. Emotional intimacy has shut down as well

Physical intimacy is not the only form of closeness needed in a successful relationship.

If you find that you and your partner are no longer communicating or connecting, or they seem to be distant and unwilling to have personal conversations or discussions about the future with you, the issue may have turned into an affair.

5. Your partner is changing their style or way of dressing

When your significant other has a roaming eye and has suddenly started dressing up or trying out a new style, they may have found a new mate who has caught their attention. Dramatic shifts in style can be a sign that they are trying to impress someone else.

If the situation has been excessive and they are displaying one or more of the above signs, it may be time to consider the possibility of cheating.

How to deal with a partner who has wandering eyes

Men with wandering eyes can be frustrating, but the answer to how to fix a wandering eye depends upon the situation. If it is harmless, you may not necessarily need to stop the situation but rather change the way you look at it.

For example, if your significant other occasionally glances in the direction of an attractive person but returns his attention to you and shows no signs of cheating, this may be an innocent, natural response.

Here are the ways for dealing with someone with a wandering eye when the situation is harmless:

1. Accept it for what it is

Recognize that acknowledging someone else as being attractive is normal and does not mean your partner doesn’t love or respect you . If it’s just a quick glance, it is part of human nature.

2. Have some confidence about it

Your gut reaction may be to feel that your partner does not find you attractive if they have the issue, but remember that they have chosen to be with you, out of all the beautiful people in the world.

While his natural reaction may be to glance in the direction of an attractive woman, they still choose to stay with you. Showing confidence in this fact will make you appear even more attractive to him.

3. Take time to recognize your own good qualities

We all want to be loved and desired by our partners, so when we catch them looking at someone else, it may make us feel less than. Try not to think this way, and instead, remember your own good qualities. It takes more than just physical attractiveness to have a successful relationship.

You and your partner have a connection that runs ways deeper than a momentary glance. You have built a life together and have interests in common, and your partner probably values your personality and the spiritual connection the two of you have.

Given all of this, a quick glance in someone else’s direction typically does not undermine all that your partner values about you.

In the video below, Andrea Crump talks about how the roaming eyes of a person can cause insecurities in their partner. She provides tips to handle it. Take a look:

4. Confront your partner

If you have considered the above, and your partner’s issue still makes you uncomfortable, it may be time to have a conversation.

For example, if your partner spends so much time checking out others when you two are together that you feel you do not have his attention, it may be time to have an honest conversation about the fact that it bothers you. Be careful not to be too harsh or critical.

You may start the conversation by saying, “You may not even notice that you are doing this, but when we are together, you sometimes spend so much time staring at other girls that I feel like you do not even notice me.”

5. Play along

Another way to fix a wandering eye is to play along with your partner.

For instance, if you see him looking another woman up and down, you may comment, “She has a great smile, doesn’t she?”

Maybe your partner didn’t even realize he was spending so much time noticeably admiring others, and this method will draw his attention to it so that he is more mindful of it in the future.

If your partner’s issue is making you uncomfortable and they continue to make no effort to change their behavior, there may be something more going on, especially if there are other red flags, such as emotional distance between the two of you.

It may be time to have a heartfelt conversation about the status of the relationship.

Perhaps your partner isn’t getting what they need from you, and instead of doing the right thing and addressing it, they are wondering what it might be like to be with someone else. In this case, it has become a bigger problem.

If you find that you have to nag your partner to stop staring at others, it may be time to seek professional intervention, such as couple’s therapy, to determine if there are underlying issues that can be resolved.

3 tips for how to fix a wandering eye

If it has become a big enough problem that it requires fixing to keep you happy in the relationship, there are some tips that can make the process easier for you. When having a conversation about your partner’s problem, consider the following advice:

1. Avoid making dramatic requests

You cannot expect your partner to never look at other people, and making huge requests, such as telling him he cannot be around other women, is likely to result in him tuning you out.

Instead, you might calmly state that you would prefer he not spend time openly ogling other people when you are together.

2. State your own feelings without being harsh or critical

Remember that sometimes, it is just a natural, innocent reaction to beauty. Instead of criticizing your partner by calling names or suggesting that they have selfish or malicious motives, use “I” statements and focus on how you feel.

3. Acknowledge that you know the behavior can be totally normal

Your partner’s defenses will be heightened if you have unreasonable expectations, so it can be helpful to begin the conversation by acknowledging that you know it is only natural for beautiful women to catch their attention.

This shows him that you are not asking him to go against his nature but rather to be more mindful of his behavior to not come across as disrespectful to you.

In a healthy, secure relationship, you should be able to have a heartfelt conversation about your partner’s problem if it has become a problem for you.

If the conversation doesn’t go well, it may be time to dive deeper into your relationship issues through additional conversation or professional intervention .

How to deal with such a partner can certainly depend upon the situation. We are all drawn to attractive people, and in many cases, it can just be human nature. When we see someone beautiful, we are inclined to look in their direction. Chances are, you may even have an innocent wandering eye yourself from time-to-time.

When your partner glances at others in public or on social media, it is probably nothing to worry about. The world is full of attractive people, and someone else’s beauty does not take away from your own.

If your partner remains committed to you, meets your needs, and seems happy with you, you can be confident in the fact that he has chosen you among all the beautiful people in the world.

Remember, it is a momentary acknowledgment of someone else’s attractiveness in many cases, but your partner spends many more moments with you.

On the other hand, if it becomes a problem, you may notice that your partner is openly ogling other women, commenting on their beauty, or even flirting while in a relationship.

If this is the case, an honest conversation about your feelings may resolve the issue. Perhaps your partner was unaware of the behavior or its effect on you. If it continues to be a problem, it could be signs of relationship trouble, especially if other red flags are involved.

You have every right to discuss this with your partner or to request couples counseling if you have ongoing troubles in your relationship.

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Jenni Jacobsen is a licensed social worker with a master's degree in social work from The Ohio State University, and she is in the process of completing her dissertation for a Doctorate of Philosophy in Psychology. She has worked in the social work field for 8 years and is currently a professor at Mount Read more Vernon Nazarene University. She writes website content about mental health, addiction, and fitness. Licensed as both a social worker through Ohio Board of Counselors, Social Workers, and Marriage/Family Therapists and school social worker through Ohio Department of Education as well as a personal trainer through American Council on Exercise. Read less

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20 Tips To Dealing With Your Partner’s Wandering Eyes

Disclosure: this page may contain affiliate links to select partners. We receive a commission should you choose to make a purchase after clicking on them. Read our affiliate disclosure.

It doesn’t feel good when your partner looks at other attractive people right in front of you.

This is what having a wandering eye basically means, but is it acceptable in a relationship? Could it even be considered cheating?

First of all, you are allowed to feel whatever it is that you’re feeling. You’re not crazy to want your partner to only have eyes for you.

That being said, wandering eyes sometimes simply represent the natural acknowledgment of beauty. Noticing that another person is attractive doesn’t necessarily mean that you intend to cheat on your partner with that or any other person.

So why does it feel like cheating then?

Is it cheating if your partner checks out other people while they’re with you? Well, much like flirting, it depends on what exactly happens and the intention behind it.

When your partner gazes at an attractive person for a second and then quickly looks away, it can be even flattering. They have noticed that the other person is attractive, but they don’t want you to think that they would be into them, so they avoid staring at them.

On the other hand, when your partner consciously checks out another person from head to toe and keeps gazing at them in front of you, knowing that it bothers you, they might not be cheating, but there’s something very wrong.

Does it bother you, and do they care? This question is much more important than whether or not wandering eyes can be considered cheating. While wandering eyes are definitely not a sign that your partner is being unfaithful—at least not without other signs to indicate the same—it’s definitely disrespectful if they know that it bothers you.

In other words, they might not be technically crossing the line, but if they are breaking your personal boundary, it’s just as important to address it. Here’s how:

Speak to a certified relationship counselor about this issue. Why? Because they have the training and experience to help you approach your partner’s wandering eyes in the most appropriate way. You may want to try speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com for practical advice that is tailored to your exact circumstances.

1. Don’t let it harm your self-esteem.

Your partner’s eyes would probably wander even if they were in a relationship with a supermodel. So, don’t think that this has anything to do with how attractive you are, to them or to anyone else. Try not to let it harm your self-esteem.

Even if your partner simply notices that some people are especially attractive, the problem is that, by doing that in front of you, they force you to notice these people too. So, you compare yourself to them, and it’s perfectly normal to feel self-conscious and jealous when that happens. Your self-esteem could take a big hit because of all this, so remind yourself of all your positive qualities.

Your partner is looking at these people, but they are choosing to be with you. Obviously, they are attracted to you, otherwise they wouldn’t be with you. So, don’t assume that you’re less attractive than the people they look at.

If your partner’s behavior is still harming your self-esteem, you’ll need to let them know about it. And they should respect you enough to restrain themselves from staring at other people in your presence.

It’s not the same thing when someone catches your partner’s eye for a second and when their eyes linger. They can’t prevent the first one, but they can control the second one. So, if it’s harming your self-esteem, they should care enough to try to control themselves.

2. Consider whether it could be entirely innocent.

While you do have the right to feel whatever it is that you’re feeling, consider whether you’re being rational or if you’re letting your insecurities get the best of you. A single look could hold a lot of meaning, but it also doesn’t have to mean anything.

How does your partner look at these people? They might simply be noticing that others are attractive without even imagining being with them. Would you notice if someone of your preferred gender suddenly walked in looking like a movie star? There’s nothing wrong with that.

However, if you were with your partner at the moment, you would probably try to hide the fact that you might be attracted to someone else. You wouldn’t make it obvious or even flirt with this person. If your partner simply notices beautiful people, there’s no need to panic because it’s completely innocent.

Even flirting can be innocent. However, when they are openly doing these things in front of you, it might mean that they don’t respect you or aren’t afraid of losing you. That might be innocent in terms of cheating, but it’s definitely not innocent in terms of relationship problems.

3. Consider how long it lasts.

Does your partner look away quickly, or do their eyes linger? Do they look at the person long enough that they’re more than just appreciating their beauty? Are they noticing attractive people when they show up or searching for them across the room?

Does it end with gazing for a while, or do they approach the person and even flirt with them? Do they look once, or do they keep looking at the person every now and then as if they’re trying to make eye contact or are thinking about approaching them?

Considering how long it lasts also means that you should think about whether your partner has always been doing this. Or has it started only recently? Maybe they only had eyes for you before, but lately you’ve been having relationship problems, and their eyes have started searching for a new potential partner.

On the other hand, maybe they always had wandering eyes because they see nothing wrong with what they’re doing. As you can see, a lot depends on your exact circumstances, so try to think about everything and be as objective as possible.

4. Think about your definition of cheating.

Everyone is allowed to have their own definition of what is and isn’t cheating, but, in a relationship, you should agree on the same definition. This doesn’t always happen, and it can be difficult to draw the line.

For instance, flirting might be entirely innocent and even subconscious with no intention of letting it lead to anything more. On the other hand, your partner might flirt with someone with the intention to cheat. Even hugging, which is generally not even close to cheating, can be considered as betraying your partner if it’s a long, romantic hug.

The point is, while some things aren’t generally considered cheating, there are situations when they can be a sign of infidelity. At the very least, you can object to your partner doing them. So, consider your definition of cheating.

If you feel like your partner is betraying you by having wandering eyes, that’s okay, you have a right to feel that way. You are the one who decides what’s acceptable and what’s unacceptable in your relationship, but your partner has to understand it too.

5. Look for signs of infidelity.

Wandering eyes aren’t indicative of cheating unless there are more signs. So, if you are worried that your partner is being unfaithful or is thinking about cheating, look for signs of infidelity.

Do they hide their phone from you? Are they secretive about where they’ve been and who they’ve been with? Have you caught them lying to you about where they’ve been and who they’ve been with? Are they already having an emotional affair that you know about? Do they look at any attractive people or someone in particular? Answering these questions will help you find out whether they’re cheating on you or not.

If your partner doesn’t show any signs of infidelity other than wandering eyes, don’t exaggerate the problem. It might still be an issue and/or indicate other problems, but don’t worry about your partner being unfaithful if they have given you no other reason to doubt them.

On the other hand, if they are cheating on you, or thinking about it, you should be able to tell by more than just their wandering eyes.

6. Consider how you see it.

From your partner’s point of view, it’s possible that nothing really happened. They talked to you, they noticed a beautiful person walk by, they talked to you again, and then they went on with their life and forgot all about the beautiful person. They still remember you though, so, what’s the big deal?

It’s always best to consider things from different perspectives. What happened from your point of view? Your partner disrespected you by openly checking out another person of their preferred gender and made you feel bad about yourself. Is that what happened? You are free to have your version!

If you are not sure that you have the right to your version of what happened, consider how it would look from the outside. What would some stranger who was watching you think? They’d notice that you’re a couple and that your partner notices other attractive people. Perhaps they’d assume that your partner’s not entirely committed and loyal to you, or perhaps they wouldn’t think anything of it. How you see it matters.

7. Consider how often it happens.

Can you live with your partner’s wandering eyes? How often do they look at other people? Does it happen every time someone wears something revealing or do they only notice extremely beautiful people? Do they constantly check out other people, or do they only occasionally notice someone attractive? Considering how often it happens could help you decide whether you can live with it if it doesn’t stop.

Be aware that, occasionally, everyone notices other attractive people even if they’re in a happy, committed relationship. It’s human. However, most people will try to restrain themselves from doing this in front of their partner not to hurt them.

If your partner occasionally slips up and checks out someone, that might not be such a big issue. However, if you’ve told them how it makes you feel and they often do it regardless of that, they are not treating you properly.

8. Check if others have noticed it too.

Have other people also noticed that your partner has wandering eyes? Talk to your friends and ask them about it. It’s important that you see all of this objectively. For that, you’ll need other people’s input too. Feel free to also ask for their opinion on that. Try to use their insights to see things as objectively as possible.

Different people will see this issue differently and they would all agree that it comes down to whether you find it acceptable or not. Either is fine, but it’s important that you are okay.

Others might also help you determine whether your partner is cheating on you or not. They can help you realize if you’re exaggerating things. Maybe you are insecure, and you noticed your partner looking at someone else once or twice. You got it in your head that they’re unfaithful while they might not have given it any thought at all. That too is possible, so talk to your loved ones and let them help you figure out which one it is.

9. Decide on where the line is for you.

Setting boundaries is important in a healthy relationship. Have you told your partner that it bothers you when they look at other people? Maybe you know that it’s probably nothing to worry about, so you don’t want to bring it up. However, if it eats you up inside and you’re upset over it, don’t keep it in. What does commitment and being loyal mean to you?

If you are crazy about your partner and only have eyes for them, it’s natural to be bothered when they check out other people in your presence.  

The two of you need to agree on your definition of fidelity. Maybe your partner doesn’t consider it cheating if they think about being with someone else as long as they don’t do anything about it. Or, they think flirting is fine as long as you don’t sleep with the person.

Maybe they only consider sex as cheating, while kissing doesn’t matter that much. Anything is possible, so you need to talk to your partner about your definitions of fidelity and cheating if you haven’t done that already.

10. Tell them how it makes you feel without forbidding them anything.

Does this behavior bother you? Is your partner aware of it? This is the most important question. Don’t assume that they know if you haven’t told them. Don’t nag them about it or forbid them from doing it. Don’t accuse or criticize them. Simply talk about how it makes you feel.

Talk about your point of view and your feelings. Let them know that you understand that it’s natural to notice beautiful people but that it makes you feel ugly when they do it in front of you. There doesn’t have to be anything wrong with what they’re doing for it to hurt you and for them to avoid it because it upsets you.

At the very least, once you’ve had this conversation, you’ll know that they’re aware that it bothers you. Will they understand your point of view though? Will they care?

11. See if they understand your point of view and care about it.

Your partner might accuse you of being jealous and overreacting. They might not acknowledge the issue at all. They may not see anything wrong with what they’re doing.

In the end, they might not care about your point of view and your feelings. If this is the case, you have a bigger problem than their wandering eyes. They should at least hear you out and try to understand your point of view.

If you can’t communicate well with your partner, this will keep causing you problems or make problems harder to resolve.

It’s really not that difficult to understand your point of view, especially if you don’t really notice other attractive people yourself. While your partner’s behavior might be entirely innocent, they should be able to understand how it can seem disrespectful at the very least.

12. Find out whether they know it’s wrong.

Do they see something wrong with having wandering eyes? Maybe they’ve always been like this, and it’s a part of how they were raised. If this is the case, it might make sense why they can’t understand your point of view.

Maybe they consider this as normal behavior, and they might really think that you’re just overly jealous. Are they otherwise loyal and respectful? If so, you might have to learn to live with wandering eyes.

Consider your entire relationship before freaking out about your partner looking at someone else. If they otherwise treat you well, show you love and respect, and make you happy, and you know that they’re not cheating on you, maybe you can find a way to accept that looking at others is not such a big deal.

Maybe you could let it slide. In fact, maybe there really isn’t anything wrong with what they’re doing. On the other hand, if they are unfaithful or disrespectful, wandering eyes are just a small issue that indicates that.

13. See whether they’ll try to restrain themselves from doing it.

When your partner knows that something bothers you, they should try to restrain themselves from doing it, even if they don’t understand your point of view. So, see whether your partner will act differently after you’ve told them about how it makes you feel.

Maybe they’ll still notice a beautiful person, but now they’ll quickly look away when they do instead of checking the person out from head to toe. It’s not perfect, but it’s definitely something. It shows that your partner is trying to be considerate of your feelings and doesn’t want to hurt you. That’s a great sign!

If your partner doesn’t change their behavior and just keeps openly checking out other people in front of you, try talking to them again. Maybe they don’t understand that it’s hurting you or that there’s something wrong with it. It’s either that or there are other problems in your relationship. Your partner might not respect you, or they’re taking you for granted.

14. Consider whether there are underlying issues in your relationship.

Are there other problems in your relationship other than or related to wandering eyes? Maybe there’s something else that requires your focus much more than wandering eyes, especially if your partner only recently started looking at other attractive people. If the two of you have been unhappy in the relationship, your partner may be looking for a way out of it, even if unconsciously.

Don’t sweep your problems under the rug. Talk about them, and if you’re having trouble communicating efficiently, get the help of a therapist. If your partner is disrespectful toward you in general, that’s also something that you can work on during couples counseling.

15. Consider whether your partner respects you.

By now, you already know that your partner’s behavior can be interpreted as a sign of disrespect. So, is your partner otherwise respectful? Do they value your opinions and want to hear your thoughts? Do they turn to you for advice? Do they treat you properly? Do they respect your choices and boundaries?

Or, does your partner put you down and make you feel bad about yourself?

If your partner doesn’t respect you, it will be difficult to have a healthy relationship. Maybe they love you, but they also need to be respectful, and if they can’t do that, their love probably isn’t going to be enough to make things work between you.

Set healthy boundaries and demand respect from your partner. Speak up when they try to put you down or disrespect your boundaries.

16. Consider whether your partner takes you for granted.

Maybe your partner’s behavior isn’t disrespectful, but they act that way because they assume you’d never leave them no matter what they do.

It’s possible that your partner takes you for granted and thinks that they can do whatever they want because you’ll still love them. If you haven’t set boundaries from the beginning of the relationship, it might have been this way from the very start.

Does your partner think that they could never lose you? If so, you might want to remind them that it is definitely possible if they treat you badly. Make them realize that you are going to walk away if they push your boundaries.

Don’t let things slide all the time, learn to say “no,” stick to your boundaries, and don’t tolerate disrespect. Make them take you seriously.

17. Start acknowledging beautiful people.

You could start acknowledging beautiful people before they do. Mention that a person looks hot before they get the chance to notice them. Look at attractive people of your preferred gender just like they do. If there’s nothing wrong with what they’re doing, you’re allowed to do it too.

This may help you understand them better. Who knows, maybe you’d be fine with commenting on people together and checking out attractive people as they pass by. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. See what works best for you.

Try doing the same as your partner, and even beat them to it. If there’s nothing wrong with it, it won’t feel awkward when you join them. If they do feel awkward about it, it might make them stop doing it. But, hey, maybe you’d be fine with the whole thing!

18. Consider whether you could be okay with it.

Could you just accept that your partner has wandering eyes? If they’re otherwise loving, respectful, and loyal, that might not be such a big deal.

Even if they’re not, you might not care so much about them looking at other people, you just don’t want them to cheat on you. Are there any other signs of infidelity? If not, they’re not cheating on you, so let them look.

Does it still make you feel bad though? Trust your instincts and do what your heart tells you. If you can be okay with your partner checking out other people, accept them the way they are. If you can’t live with it and they’re not changing after you’ve talked to them several times, consider leaving the relationship.

19. Consider ending the relationship.

Wandering eyes aren’t something that you end a relationship over, but what if it’s just the tip of the iceberg? What if you’re generally unhappy with how your partner treats you, and they are unlikely to change? If that is so, consider ending the relationship.

You don’t have to wait for your partner to cheat on you to have a good enough reason to end things with them. If you can’t trust them, that’s a serious issue, even if they gave you no reason to doubt them. You can’t be with someone you can’t trust, even if it’s because of your own trust issues.

So, if you and your partner don’t want to try couples therapy to sort out your problems, consider going your separate ways. If you want someone who only has eyes for you, you can find that person. Not everyone has wandering eyes, and it’s okay not to find that acceptable.

20. Try couples therapy.

Whether this is the only problem in your relationship or there are more of them, a therapist can help. As long as you’re both willing to put in the work, your relationship stands a chance. So, don’t give up if you want to stay together. Talk to someone who can help you get back on track and resolve your issues.

You can talk to a therapist even without your partner. They can help you with the right advice for your specific situation. While this article can give you some clarity, tailored advice will differ depending on the specifics of your situation.

As you’ve already learned, there are many reasons why a person in a committed relationship might have wandering eyes. If this behavior is causing problems between you and your partner, you can work to find solutions. So talk to someone who will listen to your whole story and give you tailored advice.

Relationship Hero is a website where you can connect with a relationship counselor via phone, video, or instant message.

While you can try to work through this situation yourself or as a couple, it may be a bigger issue than self-help can fix. And if it is affecting your relationship and mental well-being, it is a significant thing that needs to be resolved.

Too many people – both couples and individuals – try to muddle through and do their best to solve problems that they never really get to grips with. If it’s at all possible in your circumstances, speaking to a relationship expert is 100% the best way forward.

Click here if you’d like to learn more about the service Relationship Hero provide and the process of getting started.

You’ve already taken the first step just by searching for and reading this article. The worst thing you can do right now is nothing. The best thing is to speak to an expert. The next best thing is to implement everything you’ve learned in this article by yourself. The choice is yours.

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About The Author

Ana Vakos enjoys writing about love and all the problems that come with it. Everyone has experiences with love, and everyone needs dating advice, so giving these topics more attention and spreading the word means a lot to her.

Partner Who Has Wandering Eyes: Understanding And Dealing With The Behavior

A partner with wandering eyes consistently looks at and has sexual thoughts about others outside the current relationship. It can be a red flag, indicating a lack of emotional commitment. Communication and setting boundaries may help address the issue, but it’s important to evaluate if it’s a deal breaker for the relationship.

Table of Contents

In a romantic relationship, it can be disheartening and hurtful when your partner constantly gazes at other people. This behavior, known as “wandering eyes,” can undermine the trust and connection between partners. Wandering eyes refer to the habit of visually admiring or checking out other individuals, even though one is in a committed relationship.

The impact of this behavior is significant, as it can lead to feelings of insecurity, jealousy, and even emotional distance in the relationship. It can make the non-gazing partner feel unimportant or unattractive, leading to a breakdown in trust and emotional intimacy. Understanding and dealing with this behavior is crucial for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

• To fully grasp the concept of wandering eyes and its effects on relationships, it is essential to define what it means and how it differs from harmless appreciation. Choosing the right partner is crucial to understanding relationship dynamics.
• Recognizing the impact of wandering eyes on relationships is the first step in addressing this behavior. Exploring the qualities of lasting relationships can provide insights into building a strong foundation based on trust and respect.

Understanding and dealing with a partner who has wandering eyes requires open and honest communication, setting boundaries, and nurturing a deep emotional connection. By acknowledging and addressing this behavior, couples can work together to strengthen their bond and create a loving and secure partnership.

Emotional commitment is a crucial aspect of any relationship, as it allows both partners to feel secure, loved, and valued. When a partner consistently has wandering eyes, it suggests that their focus and attention may be divided between their current partner and potential romantic interests. This behavior can create feelings of insecurity and mistrust, as it demonstrates a lack of wholehearted dedication to the relationship.

While open communication and setting boundaries can be effective ways to approach this issue, it’s important to assess whether the lack of emotional commitment is a deal breaker. Every individual and relationship is unique, and what may be acceptable to one person may not be to another. Some people may be willing to work through this challenge and find a resolution, whereas others may find it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship without the assurance of complete emotional commitment. Ultimately, it is essential to prioritize one’s own emotional well-being and make a decision that aligns with one’s values and needs.

Signs and Causes of Wandering Eyes

When it comes to relationships, we all want to feel valued and cherished by our partners. However, there are times when we may notice signs of wandering eyes in our partner, which can leave us feeling hurt and insecure.

Some common signs of wandering eyes include frequently looking at others in a flirtatious manner, making their partner aware of attractive people they come across, or openly checking out other individuals while spending time together.

The causes behind this behavior can vary. It may be a result of human nature and the natural inclination to notice beautiful people. For some, it may be harmless fun and merely an acknowledgment of attractiveness. However, for others, it can stem from a lack of respect and emotional connection within the relationship.

Regardless of the cause, it is important to address this behavior in a respectful way. Open and honest communication can help establish boundaries and foster a healthier relationship. Remember, a wandering eye doesn’t necessarily indicate infidelity, but it is essential to have a conversation to ensure both partners feel secure and valued.

Effects on the Relationship

Having a partner with wandering eyes can have a negative impact on a relationship. The constant checking out of other people can lead to trust issues, jealousy, and emotional distance.

When someone’s partner is constantly looking at others, it can create a lack of trust. The person may start to question their partner’s loyalty and faithfulness, wondering if they are being compared to others or if they are truly desired. This can create insecurity and a fear of being replaced.

Jealousy can also arise when a partner feels threatened by their significant other’s wandering eyes. Seeing their partner openly checking out other attractive individuals can make them feel inadequate or not good enough. It can create feelings of resentment and a sense of competition that can be detrimental to the relationship.

Furthermore, the emotional distance between partners can widen as a result of wandering eyes. When one person is constantly visually distracted by others, it can make their partner feel neglected or unimportant. This can lead to a lack of emotional connection and intimacy, causing the relationship to suffer.

In conclusion, having a partner with wandering eyes can cause trust issues, jealousy, and emotional distance in a relationship. It is important for both partners to address and communicate their feelings in order to overcome these challenges and maintain a healthy and fulfilling connection.

Communication and Setting Boundaries

Open communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. It allows partners to express their thoughts, feelings, and needs, and creates a safe space for understanding and compromise. When it comes to setting boundaries, effective communication is crucial. By clearly expressing our limits and expectations, we ensure that our partners understand and respect our boundaries.

Setting boundaries can be challenging, but it is a necessary step in maintaining a healthy and balanced relationship. Start by having an open and honest conversation with your partner about your boundaries. Clearly define what behaviors are acceptable and what are not. Remember, setting boundaries is not about controlling your partner, but about creating a mutually respectful and fulfilling partnership.

If you notice your partner’s wandering eyes, address the issue through communication. Express your feelings and concerns in a non-confrontational manner. Listen to their perspective and try to find a middle ground. By addressing the behavior openly and honestly, you can strengthen your connection and build trust.

Communication and setting boundaries go hand in hand in fostering a healthy relationship. By openly discussing your needs and concerns, and by respecting each other’s limits, you can create a strong foundation built on trust and understanding.

Building Trust and Strengthening the Relationship

Trust is a crucial foundation for any successful relationship. When issues related to wandering eyes arise, trust can be tested. It is important to understand that wandering eyes behavior does not necessarily indicate a lack of love or commitment. However, it can lead to feelings of insecurity and doubt. Rebuilding trust in a relationship requires open and honest communication, empathy, and a willingness to address the underlying issues.

One strategy for strengthening the bond with a partner after issues with wandering eyes is to have a heartfelt conversation. Share your feelings and concerns without blaming or accusing. Create a safe space for your partner to express their perspective as well. This open communication can help both partners reach a deeper understanding and rebuild trust.

Setting clear boundaries is another important strategy for building trust after wandering eyes behavior. Discuss what is acceptable and what makes you uncomfortable. By establishing these boundaries together, you can create a sense of security and minimize misunderstandings. It is important to remember that each relationship is unique, and boundaries may vary. Respect and honor each other’s boundaries to strengthen the trust between you.

In conclusion, building trust and strengthening the relationship after issues with wandering eyes behavior requires open communication, empathy, and setting clear boundaries. By addressing the underlying issues and working together, you can rebuild trust and create a stronger bond with your partner. Trust is the foundation that allows love and connection to flourish.

Is wandering eye a red flag?

A wandering eye in a relationship can be considered a red flag, as it often indicates a lack of commitment or respect towards one’s partner. It is important to communicate boundaries and address any concerns to maintain trust and strengthen the relationship.

Is a wandering eye a deal breaker?

Having a wandering eye, where someone looks at others with romantic interest while in a committed relationship, can be a significant concern. It may indicate potential issues like trust or commitment. While it varies for each individual, open communication and trust-building exercises can support a healthier relationship.

Why does my husband keep looking at other woman?

Your husband may be looking at other women out of curiosity, habit, or simply because he appreciates beauty. It is important to communicate openly and honestly about your feelings and establish boundaries that both of you are comfortable with. Trust and mutual understanding are key in addressing this situation.

How to handle your man looking at other woman in a relationship?

If your partner frequently looks at other women, it can be helpful to communicate your feelings and concerns. Find a calm moment to have an open and honest conversation about boundaries and respect within the relationship. Seek mutual understanding and work together to find a resolution.

In conclusion, dealing with a partner who has wandering eyes can be a challenging and emotionally turbulent journey. We have explored the signs and causes of this behavior, as well as the negative impact it can have on a relationship. Communication and setting boundaries play a crucial role in addressing the issue and rebuilding trust. It is important to remember that wandering eyes are not always indicative of infidelity, but rather a natural human tendency. Through open and honest conversation, couples can work towards understanding and finding a balance that respects both partners’ needs and emotions.

While the road may not always be easy, with proper communication and a commitment to building trust, it is possible to overcome the challenges that a wandering eye brings. Remember, no relationship is without its obstacles, but it is how we navigate through them that truly defines the strength of our connection.

As we conclude this discussion on dealing with a partner who has wandering eyes, it is crucial to acknowledge the importance of self-reflection and growth. We must strive to understand our own emotions and triggers, as well as our own expectations in relationships. It is through this self-awareness that we can cultivate healthier and more fulfilling partnerships.

For more insights on maintaining healthy relationships, you can explore the topic of unrealistic expectations in relationships or learn about the concept of dependence in relationship . Remember, understanding and support are key elements in nurturing and strengthening any relationship.

Thank you for joining us on this journey, and we hope that the information provided has been meaningful and helpful. May your relationships be filled with trust, understanding, and mutual growth.

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Men with Wandering Eyes

Many couples face the problems caused by jealousy and let’s face it men who can’t stop checking out other women with their wandering eyes. It may have all started when you saw him looking at the hottie. And it went downhill from there. You may have made some jabbing accusations, started a yelling match, sulked or generally made your partner pay. You felt justified, righteous; worried and sure that your partner was in the wrong. What you really wanted was reassurance and love–the glorious unconditional kind. Sometimes you got it. Sometimes you didn’t. Sound familiar? Most of us have had a few incidents with the green-eyed monster called jealousy. And some of us have had more than a few fights with our partner when we saw him with those wandering eyes. We all know that jealousy can cause painful heartbreak, scads of worry, out-of-control outbursts and setbacks in a relationship. It can even destroy love. But is it possible that any good can ever come out of jealousy in an intimate relationship? The answer is YES! First, I want you watch this short vid. And if you want help dealing with jealousy and to learn how to Affair-Proof your couple, check out my relationship tips below.

Wandering Eyes: Ask Dr. Diana

The Cure for Wandering Eyes: Have an Affair with Your Partner

Cure for wandering eyes tip 1. ask yourself: what would i be doing or saying if right now if we were having an affair.

Then go for it!

What’s interesting about having an affair is that the partners are not automatically available to do the deed. The lingering touch, the sweet nibble on the ear, the deep French kiss may or may not go any farther. There is a playful novelty and uncertainty that drive up dopamine, the falling-in-love brain chemical that is synonymous with anticipation, excitement, and focus on the Beloved. Infatuation sizzles.

Cure for Wandering Eyes Tip 2. Make Physical Contact

Sex begins with physical contact. In fact, couples with great sex lives often are the ones you see holding hands and touching in public. As we’ve discussed, physical nonsexual contact creates oxytocin, the cuddle, bonding, and trust hormone. In order to amplify this even more, if he is receptive, hold hands, kiss, or stroke his face. His hands, lips, and face are all highly touch-sensitive areas! Gazing into his eyes also releases oxytocin and is an extremely powerful bonding move. For example, in one study, strangers shared intimate details about themselves and then stared into each other’s eye for four minutes. Many reported being extremely attracted to each other. One couple in the study actually got married! that’s how powerful gazing can be.

More Contact Sports

Trace the outline of his bicep with your finger or give him a mini massage on his neck and shoulders. Find out what kind of touch he enjoys: stronger, softer, or in between. You both will feel great as the oxytocin works its magic.

On the other hand, many men don’t like to be touched unless it’s on the playing field (why do they slap each other’s butts?) or in the sack. Yet they crave contact with us. And it’s often communicated in a strange way.

And be sure to read my article Four Ways to Turn Jealousy Around. It might just save your relationship.

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What It Really Means For The Relationship When Your Partner Has A Wandering Eye

• https://thoughtcatalog.com/?p=780306

I don’t know how many times I have been in relationships where the object of my affection felt the need to stray visually. I have tried to be a “one-stop shop” in my relationships however it seems that the men I date are visually hard wired to look at other men with lust and desire spewing from their gaze. I get it we are guys, we are visual, we look, blah blah blah. However we are human beings with the built in capacity for self-control and empathy.

It’s really heartbreaking and mildly confusing knowing that the one you want to be with wants to be with someone else. This is the message sent when your partner looks at another person with lust in their eyes.

I am of the belief that a wandering eye leads to a wandering heart and where the heart goes the body is sure to follow and to be honest I was spot on in my assessment. Those who I dated that possessed a wandering eye inevitably cheated on me. Now based on my tried and true lived-through relational traumas, a wandering eye is just an early sign of relational doom. The beginning of the end if you will. Where there is smoke, there is usually fire and I try my best now to abandon those emotional burning buildings before they go up in flames.

A relationship with a person who has a wandering eye is really no relationship at all. It is really just two people killing time trying to be less alone justifying love in an effort to avoid psychosocial failures.

Our culture has done extensive research on the costs of physical infidelity as well as emotional infidelity however we have rarely, if ever heard about the consequences of what I’d like to call “visual infidelity” and what that does to a relationship. We always tend to write it off as innocent curiosity and harmless fun. But looking at another with desire and lustful curiosity while in the confines of a mutually loving and supportive relationship can indeed erode the trust in our relationship and ultimately incite us to cheat on our partners.

Knowing that our partners find others attractive is completely understandable. We are human and are blessed with the ability to recognize and appreciate beauty. However when our gaze becomes lust-driven and is littered with a longing quality, this is when simple appreciation becomes complicated adoration.

Not only does it erode our satisfaction with our current relationship, it also makes our partners feel inadequate, unworthy and dangerously insufficient. It is the first sign of emotional abandonment and disengagement in a relationship and gradually erodes the trust we have in our partners ability to be faithful and loyal to us.

Oftentimes partners will try to justify their toxic gaze with attacks on their partner’s level of security within themselves and the relationship. They will claim that if their partners are bothered by their wandering eye, it is because they are somehow insecure and unsure of themselves. I will not rule this out as a possibility as sometimes our partners do struggle with feelings of low self-esteem and personal inadequacies that have nothing to do with our actions, however let me make it very clear: some behaviors such as looking at another person with lustful desire while in a perfectly healthy and functioning relationship is NOT ok. It can be triggering and can make our partners feel like they are not enough.

In a healthy relationship , our goal is to make our partners feel like they are valued, respected, cherished, wanted and loved.

It is not ok to blame them or shame them or make it seem as though it is “their feelings” that are the problem when in actuality it is the wandering eye that is the problem. Claiming that our partners are somehow insufficient because they refuse to tolerate such behaviors only creates a climate of emotional abandonment and works to perpetuate the cycle of distrust and only adds wood to the fires of insecurity and doubt within the relationship.

Truth is we all find people attractive in one way or another. We all can appreciate the fundamentals of beauty. However when we decide to be in a relationship with someone else, there are certain things that we must be willing to give up in order to realize the full potential of a loving and supportive bond.

A fun-loving creative soul who enjoys various forms of expression.

Keep up with Luis on Instagram and luisspeaks.wordpress.com

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Woman reveals husband's 'creepy' habit with other women

By Bianca Farmakis | 3 years ago

The 'wandering eye' has long been a focal point of animosity among many committed couples.

Now, an anonymous woman has revealed her husband's "creepy" habit with other women, saying it's unlikely to change.

Writing in to an advice column in the Washington Post , the woman, 37, said her husband will regularly "find a woman and stare" every few minutes.

RELATED: Brace yourself: the full story of the 'Distracted Boyfriend' couple has emerged

"He will look over and stare until he gets her attention, and then they both stare at each other," she said.

The woman explained her insecurity does not stem from feeling unattractive or lacking a personality in her husband's presence. When she confronted her husband about the issue, he simply denied any wrongdoing.

RELATED: The most common excuse cheaters give their partners

"This makes me feel like I'm nothing, and it's just simply embarrassing," she wrote.

The situation escalates when the pair are around potentially confrontational people.

Revealing their friends pretend not to notice his habit when they're out, the woman recalled an incident in which her husband was nearly "punched" for staring at a man's girlfriend.

Though this only happened once, the woman she secretly hoped the man would punch her husband.

The frustrating situation however, doesn't draw a conclusive link to infidelity in the eyes of relationship science.

In 2017, a study of 96 heterosexual couples by the University of South Carolina Lancaster found people feeling angered by their partner's wandering eye was a "projection of their own attraction to alternatives more than it was an accurate reflection of their partner's attraction."

Put simply, if someone is struggling with their partner's desire to stray, it's probably because they've considered doing it themselves.

A 2016 study found that unlike women, men prefer faces they've never seen before - and often rank their female counterparts "less attractive" when they see them for a second time.

Caroline Madden, a marriage and family therapist, and author of After a Good Man Cheats , told Fatherly it's often a sign of people simply "noticing" those around them.

"Just because you are in a committed relationship doesn't mean you're dead — you're still going to notice beautiful people," she explained.

"It is human to glance, so if you notice someone good looking, it's generally okay. It's more about not letting that slippery slope happen."

Psychotherapist Allison Cohen told Deep Soulful Love that frequently reminding yourself of your partner's commitment to you is crucial, "even if they notice an attractive other from time to time.

"For those that do desire an outward communication of the issue, your best bet will be to come from a place of observation and curiosity," she explained.

"If after the conversation, you determine that the behaviour hasn't ceased or lessened, you may need to re-evaluate the level at which your partner respects and addresses your needs."

However, Florida State University found a link between the wandering eye and infidelity in a 2018 study . It determined people who looked elsewhere were more likely to have cheated on their partner within a three-year period.

The study also discovered that when people stared for shorter periods of time, cheating was likely to be reduced by half - with 100 milliseconds sparking all the difference.

The Washington Post 's advice columnist Miss Manners told the woman, "It is not that you are afraid he is looking at someone prettier; it is that he is embarrassing himself by harassing some other woman."

"If it is not going to stop, then either he or you will not be in attendance at the next dinner."

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How To Stop Your Wandering Eye: Every Man’s Battle

QUESTION: What do you do if you find someone attractive—other than your spouse? What if you find that you have a wandering eye?

If you find someone attractive, your first line of defense is a proper mind-set, which is this: This attraction threatens everything I hold dear.

It may not appear threatening early in the attraction, when everything seems innocent. Remember, though, that attractions grow quickly and can destroy your marriage. Even if your marriage manages to survive, at the very least the lurking will weaken the foundation of your marriage and rob your wife of your full captivation.

Your second line of defense is to declare, I have no right to think these things . State this to yourself clearly, decisively, and often. You don’t even know this woman; who are you to be attracted to her? Didn’t your Master give you your wife?

T he third line of defense is to heighten your alert.What do you normally do when you feel threatened? You take off your jacket and breathe deeply. You ready yourself for what’s coming.

Suppose you’re a bouncer at a dance club, checking I.D.s and tickets, joking with the customers. One night, five men in black leather loudly roar up on motorcycle, looking surly and arrogant. Would you relax and back away from the door? Not on your life. Without hesitation, you’d step up to the door and stand erect, ready to confront the threat.

Consider the old Star Trek television series. What did Captain Kirk do when danger approached? He cried out: Red alert! Shields up!

With your mind-set transformed, you won’t let her near the corral. The attraction will begin to starve, and she’ll drift back toward the horizon. How can you make sure this will happen?

BOUNCE YOUR EYES.

You saw her passing your corral, and you were physically attracted to her. Starve this attraction by bouncing your eyes (which means to “build a reflex action by training your eyes to immediately bounce away from the sexual, like the jerk of your hand away from the hot stove”). Don’t dwell on her beauty by stealing glances. Do this with zeal.

Sometimes this isn’t possible, but do it when you can. If she works with you, and the two of you are assigned to the same project, don’t ask her to eat lunch with you or offer her a ride home. Avoid opportunities that create positive experiences with her until the attraction phase dies. If she asks you to do something with her, excuse yourself.

WHEN YOU’RE IN HER COMPANY, PLAY THE DWEEB.

Our hero, Dweebman, steps into a nearby public rest room. He emerges as the polyester-clad enemy of all things flirtatious and hip. Dull, mild-mannered Dweebman—pocket protector shielding his heart and hair slightly askew—wages his quiet, thankless war of boring interchange. Our once-threatening Amazon withdraws to undefended sectors. This leaves Dweebman victorious again in his never-ending good fight to stave off the hip and the impure in his galactic empire!

Okay, there’s not that much glory in playing the dweeb. There’ll be no comic-book deals no endorsement deals, no 20/20 interviews with Barbara Walters, but you’ll be a hero to your wife and kids.

A dweeb is the opposite of a player. In relationships, players send and receive social signals smoothly. Dweebs do not. When a player wants to send attraction signals, there are certain things he’ll do. He’ll flirt, banter, and smile with a knowing look. He’ll talk about hip things. In short, he’ll be cool. You were a player at one time, and knew how to feed attractions. You spent your whole adolescence learning how.

Social Suicide

As a married man, however, a little social suicide is very much in order. Always play the dweeb. Players flirt… learn to un-flirt. Players banter… learn to un-banter. If a woman smiles with a knowing look, learn to smile with a slightly confused look, to un-smile. If she talks about things that are hip, talk about things are un-hip to her, like your wife and kids. She’ll find you pleasant enough but rather bland and uninteresting. Perfect.

Sometimes a woman’s attractiveness to you will be mental rather than physical. This is common in work environments as you work with women on projects that interest you both. In business it’s common to spend more hours per day with female coworkers than with your wife. You talk with them about common goals and achieving success, while all you and your wife talk about are the kids’ discipline problems, who’s going to change the dirty diapers, and bills, bills, bills.

As with physically attractive women, you must understand that if your shields aren’t up, and if you don’t recognize the threat to your marriage, you’re flirting with danger.

To summarize:

If you’re attracted to a woman, it doesn’t mean you may never again have any sort of relationship or friendship with her. It only means you must enact your defense perimeters. Once you’ve starved the attractions and she’s a safe distance away, you can have a proper relationship, one that is honoring to your wife and to the Lord.

You can also visit the web site that goes along with this book, Everymansbattle.com . They have some great articles on this web site that could minister to your needs in tremendous ways.

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Tagged: flirting , guard your heart

Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair Sexual Issues

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60 responses to “ How To Stop Your Wandering Eye: Every Man’s Battle ”

Good Morning Everyone. My name is Ronelle and i am from South Africa. I have been going through a really turbulent two weeks. With my mum being sick and the whole atmosphere being so heavy at home. Prior to this have been a tough couple of years with the passing of my brother, my sister distancing herself from us, my dad leaving us and years later finding that he had ended up on the streets and just quite a bit of unfortunate things that have happened in our family life. there were often times where i would be so discouraged and say to my mum, “what more could God allow to happend to us” and my mum would say in almost a concerned tone for me not to say that, becuase it could be much worse, as many families lose so much each day. But these past two weeks have been so hard To the point of me actually considering giving up my Sunday School teaching in our local church. I just feel so depressed at times but so exhausted since i have two small kids to provide for as well and my mum who is in and out of depression herself. I joined the gym a while ago to help with the stress and refused the anti depressant medication. I also quite recently noticed my partner glancing at other women from time to time and although i know that it is normal, as most secular sites claim it to be, i wanted to know what Gods thoughts were on the issue and googled exactly that “What does God’s Word say about a wandering eye”. And this site came up. Thank God. The explanation of it all and how we really need to be accountable and take conscious action when we feel we are being tempted to do things that put our relationship in trouble. Thank you so much for this article. Something within my spirit refused to believe that we should just its a normal thing and that its normal if your husband has lustful thoughts as long as they dont touch. and that its crazy for the woman. wife to feel insecure and disrespected and should learn to accept it as part of life or move on.

I shared this with my partner and i was a bit nervous as to how he would repond. We are both born again believers. I thank God that he was open to listening to me read out the various points and afterward told me that he agrees with all that has been said. I told him that i do understand that for both of us it is normal to notice attractive people but to use these methods and train our minds and heart to submit under the authority of Christ and remember that He has blessed us with each other and we need to consciously work at driving out the worlds temptations. It was something that was adding to the things that worried me, but knowing that he acknowledges how it makes me feel and agrees with how we as a Godly couple should behave for God’s glory, each other and in the sight of our kids, just alleviated so much stress. I thank God for guiding me to your site. And i do know that just as He has delivered me from these fears and continues a good work in my life, He will heal and deliver my mum and family as well.

Thank you again for this article.

Lots of guys, including myself find ourselves glancing at other women. Fortunately I find my wife very attractive. I focus on her and those few special body parts & curves I really like. She wears yoga pants, plus she is almost 60!! When I pay attention to her, I notice others much less. So guys, pay attention to your wives, not others’ wives. Ladies, look good for your husband, make him notice you. throw away the house coat and jogging pants.

My fiancé of 19 years can learn from you. No matter how good I look or dress his eyes and mind still wonder on other women. Also he’s been divorced five times.

Maria, Could the “wandering eyes” on other women when he is pledged to marry you and the “five times” divorced situation give you a clue as to what might be facing you if you marry?

Wow! This gave me so much wisdom I need to stop having a wandering eye. I’m a married woman and even though this article is for men, it is right on point for women too. I will be a “dweeb”. I want to be faithful to God and my husband. Thank you.

I will agree wholeheartedly with 3 points in the article: YES learn to divert your eyes physically if you can’t trust yourself not to look with lust; YES avoid her when possible (and it isn’t always). When it’s not, have a coworker present. Leave your office door open. Don’t spend unnecessary time together, e.g., lunch, coffee after work. STAY FOCUSED on business.

“Playing the DWEEB” is about the stupidest idea I have ever heard. If she begins steering the conversation in an inappropriate direction, you can casually mention your wife/kids, etc. to remove any doubt about your being “off limits” (my best friend is the world’s best at this). If she still doesn’t get the hint, call her out on it directly, saying, “I’m sorry, but this conversation is inappropriate.”

But deliberately acting like a dork?!? That’s pathetic! Why would you want to act immature and juvenile? People will take notice of it and you will lose the respect of your co-workers and your boss. You will become a laughingstock. And rightly so. Be a man. Be mature. Be a professional and deal with it professionally.

Alan, I respectfully disagree w/second half of your comments. Particularly, “that’s pathetic” (Maybe so. But maybe not. You’re revealing a weakness in lack of understanding or empathy for those in such a forum as this. Your comment likely does more damage than good). Or maybe it’s not pathetic. Maybe it’s just the nature of being deeply in need. (People) In need of healing very deep emotional and mental wounds. Why deeply? I’m speaking of those who received abuse.

So, getting back to my point. Do you Alan, think victims of abuse can just flip a switch? What about those who were escaping life’s miseries by increasingly leaning on something to the point of obsession/addiction? Please consider these words. “Be mature, be a man”: this has a similar effect to the former. It’s bootstrap talk, which expects one to just flip-a-switch, to change not desirable behavior.

Perhaps, your recommendations are all thoughts and methods that you use. Perhaps you think they helped you. If you know someone in recovery, please avoid the putdowns and bootstrap talk. I hope you don’t badger them. Encourage their recovery. Best and blessings to you. Thank you.

Woman here. I’m having such a wandering eye these days. It’s so hard. I can’t seem to control it. I’m scared that I can’t be happy with my husband the rest of my life. I want other men. I pray daily for help. I feel no attraction for my husband anymore. I love him as a friend and companion and he’s a great person and a great father. I’m trying so hard to focus on all I do have. But this is making me depressed, to not feel desire for my husband. I could never hurt him though…..so I’m stuck in this sort of prison.

I completely understand his eyes looking at an attractive woman. But when the eyes go over, and over to the same places it becomes disrespectful to me. He keeps saying that he is very friendly, and likes to engage in conversation with man and woman alike. The flaw that I see with that thought is that if you are friendly, and want to engage in conversation, you don’t look to certain body parts to do so. I am frustrated, and not sure what to do.

I definitely like to interact and make aye contact with other women. I don’t know if that is flirting. I was fired from the same office my wife was working on because of that. I never felt I was and my wife didn’t know the reason why they let me go.

I really enjoy watching other women even if my wife is present. I don’t think that’s lack of respect either. She gets really upset and expresses her frustration; she also asked me to apologize at least, to what I normally reply that she should be the one to apologize because she looses her temper.

I don’t think I’m micro cheating, it’s just the way I am. My wife simply doesn’t understand. I don’t think I need help anyways.

Luis, I have to remind myself “eyes up”

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Husband's Wandering Eyes

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Hi everyone! Here is yet another question about husbands' actions. I apologize, but everything I have read has bits and pieces of what I am feeling and I would like answers to my specifics. I also want to make clear that I hold all to this question - not just men. I totally get that people can not help if they think someone is attractive or not according to their standards of appeal, but when men look back twice, three times or if you are at an event and there is opportunity for more glances - what does this mean? My husband tells me that he looks at everyone the same, but this isn't true because I have watched for it to make sue that I wasn't imagining things. He also changes his voice on the phone according to how appealing the person sounds. I can tell if he was talking to a guy, unattractive sounding women, or someone who he knows without seeing that he would not be attractive to (an older woman or what not). There are many coincidences that could be just this, or him maximizing his opportunities for eye candy. This to be is a type of betrayal because he is taking an active effort to see these people or to catch their eye. There is a difference between seeing someone attractive and looking because you are taking in sexual data about them (which is lust)! To do this in front of or behind your spouse's back is disrespectful just the same. I am aware and I am grown enough to admit that I am terribly insecure and I don't trust him, but this is something I am currently trying to work on. I gained 90 pounds due to some medication I was taking which just set my self esteem even lower than it originally was. So, I do understand where some of these feelings are coming from. However, at the risk of sounding arrogant, I know I am not an ugly person (even with the weight gain) because I notice other's reactions to me. Even after all of this time (10 years) I break into hysterical crying spells because it hurts so bad! My thinking goes: If you like their look - what happens when you like everything else also? No matter who you are - there is ALWAYS someone better, so if you are lowering your guard for eye candy - instead of just saying okay, she's pretty (no detailed thought of what looks nice, just she's pretty) what else might you ease into and then justify it later? I may can think of a SHORT, SHORT list of men in my life that has not had this lesson to offer. This is really for those that have found their partner in this life, because unless you are looking for another partner, shouldn't how you notice people be something that changes? It just seems that I am only good enough as long as I step to the side and let him enjoy the better options then when they are gone, jump back in with a smile and I'm not okay with that because I have way more to offer than that!! I have lost 50 pounds of the weight so far and I am working on the remainder, but the closer I get to my original weight, I am finding that I resent him for his distance with my weight gain. In my mind, since it was an effect to the medication and not because I could not stop eating - his attitude will also change if I become deformed in anyway due to an accident or whatever, fill in the blank!! We have two beautiful children to think about and I DO NOT want to disrupt their lives because they need both parents, but it has gotten to the point that he and I have seemed to harden our hearts towards each other. There is a long list of problems in our marriage, but he refuses to go to counseling with me. Even through my worst of times, he has been here - at the house- and around physically, but not emotionally. And to be honest I don't know if he loves me or if he just thinks divorce is a sin. When we talk he has said that I am too stupid to see that he love me. This may be true, I may be too stupid to see that he loves me, but I'm not too stupid to see his reactions to others, to see the glances, and to connect the dots to see a bigger picture. He has also made the comment that sometimes love just isn't enough. I'm not a look but don't touch kind of girl, he knew this when he married me, in fact I gave him back the ring about a month before the wedding because this was something I just could not deal with. I am tired of living in misery, but I really don't want to leave because I do love him. Life has taught me that you can't trust people and I am finding difficulty in rewriting these core beliefs. Some days, I'm strong enough to say, screw it, I am worthy and he loves me. Some days, I want to throw up when he tells me he loves me or touches me. Other days, I want to give up because I believe the lies ingrained in my brain. Anyways, thank you for following this to the end of my rant! Your comments are very much appreciated. Please be truthful, but keep the hurtful comments to yourself.  

It sounds like your husband doesn't respect you.  

Welcome to the forum. I see problems on both sides here. 1. First of all, he enjoys looking at other women because he is heterosexual. It does not mean he is dissatisfied with you! ! I assume you intended to marry a straight man, not a gay or asexual man. What comes with that is a man who enjoys looking at women. Now it's true, that out of respect for you he doesn't have to be obvious about it. I know some women here will say "my husband doesn't look at other women". Right. This issue used to upset my wife also. But you know what? Now she is much more secure, and today we can look at women together and even get into a discussion over which one is better looking. When you finally realize you don't have to take it personally, or take it as an attack against you, then life is a much better place. You can even enjoy it. 2. 90 lbs weight gain is a MUCH more serious problem than your husband's behavior. Congratulations on losing 50 lbs, because that's exactly what you should be doing. Your health is more important than any other issue here. Take care of yourself first. 3. Why does your husband refuse to go to marriage counseling? This is also a more serious problem than his wandering eyes. If he's not willing to work on the marriage, then that shows you how much it means to him. He might also have a mistaken impression of what marriage counseling is (some people mistakenly think it's like going before a judge or something). If he thinks divorce is a sin, then you may have to use that in your favor. Threaten divorce unless he takes the marriage seriously and goes to counseling, either individually or with you.  

maybe not true love said: Even through my worst of times, he has been here - at the house- and around physically, but not emotionally. And to be honest I don't know if he loves me or if he just thinks divorce is a sin. When we talk he has said that I am too stupid to see that he love me. This may be true, I may be too stupid to see that he loves me, but I'm not too stupid to see his reactions to others, to see the glances, and to connect the dots to see a bigger picture. He has also made the comment that sometimes love just isn't enough. I'm not a look but don't touch kind of girl, he knew this when he married me, in fact I gave him back the ring about a month before the wedding because this was something I just could not deal with. I am tired of living in misery, but I really don't want to leave because I do love him. Click to expand...

I don't mean for it to sound as if my husband is some terrible guy. He is a good guy! I have been worse throughout the marriage due to this issue than he. I have hit some very low low's. However, my issues are not the only ones in this marriage and because of this and to try to gain some understanding, is why I am seeking advice. @ Caribbean Man: However , only you can decide what you are going to do about it. Is he a good husband otherwise? He provides for his family and, again, he is a good guy, but I think he has hit his limit with dealing with the things he deals with me as I have with him. This may be clouding our judgment of the each other and keeping us in a state of tension. We don't really talk about much that we would have to work through. We argue or get so upset we say forget it and never come back to it and things build up. Do you deserve better? I'm up in the air about that, because others say that they think he really loves me and I think he loves me, but when it is obvious that he likes what he sees and wants to see more - it is like someone punches me in the throat and rips out my heart and I am left there to bleed out. He id discrete about looking, but I would rather be alone than to live with him so interested in others. Are you prepared to continue accepting this? I guess the answer is no, to be honest. I don't look at other guys because no one is as attractive as my husband is in my eyes. It just really sucks that instead of people not being to measure up to me - I can't seem to measure up to them.  

I agree with Theseus above about the taking care of yourself and getting in marriage counseling. I wonder though could this extreme weight gain have come with some emotional issues that stem from your low self esteem. Fits of crying, some days you feel confident in relationship other times you can't stand his touch? This seems a bit extreme and all over the place on an emotional scale. I'm not excusing his behavior but seems that your reaction is over the top as well.  

First, thank you to everyone who has offered your thoughts. I really do appreciate your comments! Wolf, Yes, I admit that my reactions are extreme. Personally, I think that in the process of trying to rewrite the crappy things in my brain (and there are a lot of things that needs rewriting), I am in a struggle with myself. It is like the darkness, if you will, is pulling me back in when I get a breath of air and then I hit a point of exhaustion trying to fight it. I'm not comfortable in this pace but I can't seem to cut the ropes holding me down not matter how hard I fight against them. I don't excuse his actions, but I also don't excuse my own either. I have had a lot of things happen in my life (not as bad as some others, but still enough to screw me up) but at some point I am responsible for changing and rewriting these things. I guess I am here to find yet another view or angle to look at this since what I am doing isn't working (or not working as fast as I feel it should!). I guess I don't want to be the fool! The bombshell came when I realized that he is attracted to other women and some way more than me and I don't feel that I can stand any more bombshells! Really seeing this has changed my feelings for him. I do deep down feel that my efforts are a waste of time when he like someone better than me. I realize that sounds childish or whatever, but that is how I feel about it. My view of marriage has changed drastically!! It really is no longer as special as it once was to me - it is just another relationship - a business plan, if you will, to survive life. We are trying to live a Christian life, but it doesn't seem to be as special as God intended it to be because of this. Also, I have heard it said there should be no worries as long as he comes home to me... Again, in my mind this is not okay because I am not the reason for his excitement, someone else is and I am in essence just a means of taking care of things (I assume you get the gist - I'm trying not to be too forward). I'm just very confused and really hating married life right now and for the past 10 years! Not that I would be happier, but he would. I do feel sometimes that I should just get out of the way so he could find someone that would not care about these things and he could be happy. As for the weight gain, I will not blame absolutely 100 % of it on the medication, however, when I stopped the medication I lost the weight. I did continue exercising but nothing too much different than I was doing. I have since had two children and still have not had the weight that I had while taking the medication. This is the information I use in determining that the weight was from the medicine because the medication is the only variable that has changed. I am so sorry for the long book length posts! Thank you for taking the time to read them!!  

First I give you a lot of respect for recognizing your part in this. It amazes me how some here are quick to place all woes on the spouse and not see their part in it. Takes a mature mind to see that. Second I agree that yes men and women to do find others outside their relationship attractive and all, to some degree will check others out. Some take that way to far as your husband seems to do. But I disagree that marriage can't be special. I think it really can be and have wonderful friends who have wonderful marriages. Ok well from what I know anyway because behind closed doors who really knows right? But the thing that appears to make their relationships so special is how much importance they place on one another. I hope you guys can get some counseling to maybe find that way to connect again. You can't do that alone he needs to work at that too. Good luck  

You might be interested in THIS thread. Both of you sound insecure. And you sound way over the top dramatic. I mean seriously, you feel “someone punches [you] in the throat and rips [your] heart out and [you] are left to bleed” just because he glances at other women? I’m not condoning him for doing this, but get a grip. There are far worse things to go through in marriage. Just because he looks at them it doesn’t mean that he is rejecting you. Look at it this way; just because you like steak, it doesn’t mean you hate ice-cream. Men notice other women in an idle she-looks-hot-too-bad-I’m-married kind of way, while women fantasize about upgrading to their perfect handyman-secret-millionaire-male-model husband who will almost definitely be waiting for her as soon as she dumps her current loser. Neither of these fantasies are helpful to a marriage, but they’re pretty common. You say he’s discrete and not throwing this in your face and that he’s a good husband in other ways. I say, count your blessings. Yes, it would be better if he stopped, but no one’s perfect. Your husband may look at other girls, but you’re looking at leaving your husband and probably trying to replace him with another man, sooner or later. You say you’re a Christian, but you’re prepared to divorce, even though Jesus had very strong words to say against divorce. How is it that you feel that this action would be more acceptable than his actions? I don’t blame him for not wanting to go to counselling, since counselling almost invariably favours women, even in the format itself, let alone the things said. That said, some sort of mediation would be helpful so that you two can have a calm discussion about each other’s faults and what you’re each prepared to do to work on them. ** Sorry if this sounds harsh. I've had a rough night. But you should read some of the threads in the coping with infidelity forum to get a little perspective.  

MSP, I am trying to live a Christian life and I don't deny that He hates divorce. Although, 1 Corth. explains in vs. 10 that a women is not to depart from her husband, but if she does choose to do this then she is to remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. I have spent much time looking at this and in prayer and I think that EVERY avenue should be taken to try to fix this because I do understand that if I leave that I could not remarry or be reconciled to my husband if I were with another. On that note, I don't have intentions to be with anyone else because after I gave him my heart there was no more to give in that type of relationship. There are women and men that hold to this idea everyday that is why there are people that do not remarry after their spouse dies. I understand the seriousness of this type of decision and that is why it is one that I have not acted upon because I am trying to understand all I can and implement new was of thinking to replace the feelings I am having. No, say that there are not men out there that are attractive. I can say that there is no other man out there that I am taking in sexual data on and zeroing in on what I like about him - be it his looks, personality, etc.! I can also look at women and judge their attractiveness, but again, I am not taking in the sexual data. Because of the events in my life, this is how I chose to look at things when I chose to pick a life partner. My husband knew all of this and displayed some of the same feelings and that is why I gave him my entire heart. I am not upset because he can judge that someone else is attractive, what I am upset about is discrete or not, his actions show that he not only is attracted to them, but he also wants to be acknowledged back. What I am upset about is that I am willing to do any and everything (within reason- I won't be a door mat) that he could ask for so that the temptation is eliminated and it doesn't seem to be good enough. I am also aware that there are some women that have to deal with way worse than I have to deal with but this in no way means that I should just bottle up what I feel and say what I am feeling is not important. Yes, my emotions have gone to the extreme, but I have never acted like they haven't. I also haven't acted as if I have no issues or problems of my own. As far as the descriptive wording... that I how intense the feelings are to me. Would you have gotten how badly this hurts if I had just said.. "I'm sad"? I don't try to be dramatic, I am just an emotional person. Leaving is something that I am considering because this isn't something that is easing with time. I would rather us be happy apart than living together and being unhappy together. Again, I am no angel! I have things I need to work on and life with me has not been a joy ride. Again, I in no way want to make him out to be some kind of monster, because he isn't. I am trying to gain understanding so that I can find a way to get a grip on the things I need to but I am not willing just to accept anyway he wants to act and joke it off. That doesn't help either because the issue is still not being addressed. ** In response to your apology: Your post did come across as a little strong, but it was something I needed to hear and I respect and appreciate your view on it.  

maybe not true love said: MSP, I am trying to live a Christian life and I don't deny that He hates divorce. ..... Yes, my emotions have gone to the extreme, but I have never acted like they haven't. I also haven't acted as if I have no issues or problems of my own. As far as the descriptive wording... that I how intense the feelings are to me. Would you have gotten how badly this hurts if I had just said.. "I'm sad"? I don't try to be dramatic, I am just an emotional person. Click to expand...

Here is the problem with leaving though.... It's easy to eject out of a bad situation and yes it will likely make you feel better short term...but then months down the road when you start getting lonely and want a new relationship you will still have not worked on your own issues. No matter who you get involved with they will be flawed because we all are....your husband is flawed, as are you, but you already have a lot of time and energy invested in this marriage, you owe it to yourself to try everything possible to make this better first.  

Theseus, I want to start by thanking you for your comments from the beginning. In replying to other post, I haven't come back to yours. Thank you for sharing your wife's issues with this and offering some light that things might not be like this forever. I appreciate the statement that things can be better if I stop looking at it as a personal attack. The answer to the question you posed about my being attracted to others is explained in my response to MSP. I apologize for that but I am also giving attention to my children and I failed to answer the question in the appropriate place. Another part to this answer, however is, the only time that I took in data about others is when I had an appointment with a divorce lawyer, but I decided that my decision about divorce was premature, I hadn't prayed enough about it and it really wasn't a real option at the time just a start of my journey that has lead me to be able to recognize some of my own problem being contributed to a failing marriage. I have really come a long way which I am sure from an outsider's point of view is terrible. Before I was just saying I have faults but I never named them. Like I have said before, I understand now where some feelings are coming from and I have a better maturity level to select proper solutions to the problems. I haven't had that in the past and I am better equipped to move forward. I apologize again for including your answer in my other response.  

Thank you wolf. It has taken many years and many low points to have this outlook and being able to admit my own flaws, much less put them out there to be rejected and criticized. Perhaps I should have mentioned from the start my abandonment issues, but I guess that I grouped it with the trust issues mentioned. I say this in response to your statement about other relationships. I haven't left for many reasons... I love him dearly even though I am unable to show it all of the time because of these insecurities. Secondly, I'm not gone because of our kids. They need both parents and not just actively in their lives but in their home! Parents who are able to talk about things and work through issues. Parents who have true smiles and laughs and not just forced ones. I have ALWAYS believed this because sometimes my house seemed like WW3 and I hated being there. I have only recently learned not to place blame but to look at it as it is and come to a healthy place about it. Third, I am still here because I don't feel that I have yet exhausted all areas of healing and I still see a faint light at the end of this dark tunnel. And this is not me being dramatic - it is dark here in my world, in my head and unlike other who can come and go - I can't I can't walk away and then come back to it later. I have to fight for the light through all of this crap I believe about myself so I do ask that what might sound self explanatory to others doesn't always filter through the same to everyone. We can't live in the past, but the past has provided experiences to display red flags for us in the future. That is how we survive in life by experiences we have learned and knowing how to avoid them the net time they come around. Can we take them too far, yes! This is when we have to rewrite the feelings to those events and the messages we acknowledge both from our own self talk and what we allow our minds to hold on to from what others have to say. I absolutely agree that the decision needs to be made with the future in mind. I definitely want to do what is best for my family even if I am confused at the moment of what that "best" might be.  

Another point, Theseus, I failed to mention this in my last statement because I was rushing to give my attention back to my children... when I realized that divorce really was not an option at that time, I returned to the lack of collecting data. Also, a point that I feel is valid is that although I collected certain data, I never had the intentions of acting on it which what I am understanding you and others say when you talk about men collecting this data and please correct me if I am misunderstanding the point you are trying to make. When I made the decision to give our relationship my full attention again then the data collection disappeared and I reverted back to the idea of acknowledging the attractiveness without the data collect such as is done with the females I look at. Everyone says that men like the female body just as women like the male body. I know it, I get it. But can men not look at another man and state the opinion that he is an attractive male in a non sexual way. Of course they can just as women can other women. Now perhaps I am fighting a losing battle but I would suggest that since my husband (and other spouses - husband and wives) has already chosen his mate in this life, unless he is window shopping, there is no need to collect such sexual information about someone. ** Back to general conversation** Not every detail about either of us (past or present) will be able to be discussed here on this forum. That is what I pay my therapist to help me with so there is no need to hash it out here. I am simply trying to collect data so that I can try to effectively rewrite some of the messages I have about this. I am too stubborn to just go with the flow and accept that this is not something that he can help. Again, I'm not talking about making the statement that someone is a pretty/ handsome person just like I expect him to be able to say someone is funny, smart, etc. It is the idea that it is okay for him to seem to take it a minute step further and before he realized he loves someone else. From experience I know how some women are and I understand that this is where trust in him comes in. *Back to he point and off that rant: I am not at a place right at this moment in time (today) for this to click and I am a different person tomorrow. I am just looking for viewpoints to think about so that the next time I am in a situation where these feeling come up I can have more information than just me discrediting my feelings about it. With the advice I receive I can be better prepared to self talk and remind myself that I am not crazy and I am not alone and that there is hope to improve our situation. The only reason I am on this site is because my husband won't talk to me about it. This is understandable because I would probably be burnt out too. Not to say he doesn't contribute but I am just saying I understand his thoughts behind thinking that it is pointless to talk about some things. So to be redundant: I very much appreciate what all of you have to say. I hope that I will be able to process the advice and personal accounts and reshape how I view certain things. My views and opinions will never come from what others tell me how to act about it or I should do this or I should do that. Like everyone else, I have to come to my own conclusions from the information given so thank you for providing me with that information. I am trying to be proactive in both my mental and physical health and not sit by idle and wait on someone to come along and fix me. I'm not a doll, I'm not a puppet, and BOTH my family and I deserve better than what I am able to offer right now. "Better" is in there but it is just cloudy right now. Anywho, thanks for tolerating me and offering your words of wisdom!!  

just because he glances at other women? Just because he looks at them it doesn’t mean that he is rejecting you. Look at it this way; just because you like steak, it doesn’t mean you hate ice-cream. Men notice other women in an idle she-looks-hot-too-bad-I’m-married kind of way, You say he’s discrete and not throwing this in your face and that he’s a good husband in other ways. I say, count your blessings. Yes, it would be better if he stopped, but no one’s perfect. I don’t blame him for not wanting to go to counselling, since counselling almost invariably favours women, even in the format itself, let alone the things said. That said, some sort of mediation would be helpful so that you two can have a calm discussion about each other’s faults and what you’re each prepared to do to work on them. I didn't have the time earlier to give this post my full attention and respond to all of what I wanted to say so I will address that now. First, I visited the link you shared and I do notice people paying me attention. This is not flattering to me. Again, a problem I have is not being able to accept compliments because I don't believe that I am as attractive as people say so I dismiss them, but that isn't the point. Even before I got married I didn't like the attention for men that had a women I their lives that I knew of. Now that I am married the only attention that I need or desire is from my husband. Again, this way of thinking has been formed from events in my life and my husband was aware of this before he even decided to marry me. I have explain my views about the looking and the differences that I am talking about with that subject so I won't go into that again. However, I would like to expand on the fact that while my husband denies what I say about it , some of his actions could be mere coincidence but it could be a little more to it that I'm not ready to just blow off. Some examples are: the trash is taken off mostly by me in the winter when ever it needs to be taken off. He takes it off mostly in the summer and lets it pile up to take on the weekend when he passes by the dump everyday on the way to work. Some would say no big deal - we also live at the lake and on his was to take off the trash he passes a marina/ boat dock and there are boat constantly passing under the bridge because the marina is in a cove. Another example and really probably the most troublesome, that has really gotten my mind racing, is I am able to predict his actions based different variables. I 'm not going to list each and every thing I notice.... I am not correct in all of my predictions, but I am correct in over half of them. It seems that he goes a little out of his way to see people. Now with this statement, he isn't creepy and for what I know of, still tries to keep it discrete... but there are just so many things that don't add up. Again, I could be blowing things out of proportion, but these might be subtle signs that might deserve my attention when considering the future. I do think that he is a good husband when I compare him to others, but there are other things about him that I am not mentioning because I don't feel that they are relevant given that my intention is to understand things about his attraction and actions towards others, not to throw him under the bus about what might be a bad quality or something that he needs to work on. As for not going to counseling, if I am understanding you correctly - you are saying that therapists tend to favor with the female? Mine actually has not done this and like anyone else - doctor, mechanic - whatever - you have to make sure that you find someone who cares about their job and not just the money. I am not interested in just having someone on my side. I am interested in getting better and just as I have tried to make that clear here, I also choose to get help from someone who will actually help us, not hinder us! My husband knows that my therapist has disagreed with some of the things I have said and I would expect that from a marriage therapist. I do take some offense to the medication comment so that we can have a civil conversation. I am able to engage conversation and give proper respect when it is due and I expect the same. I try to look at things objectively (not an ability I have always had) and I expect the person to whom I am speaking and interacting with to extend the same courtesy to me. This is where my husband and I fail. BOTH of us. So the fact that I would be the only one that might need the medication is insulting. Furthermore, while I did take some things from your post, the fact that you "had a rough night" does not justify saying things in a "harsh" way. The fact that you recognized that your tone might come across offensive before you hit the submit button suggests to me that you apology was more of a disclaimer than a true apology. However, again, you did have some valid things to say that I can ponder on so thank you for you comment and your advice!  

maybe not true love said: Again, a problem I have is not being able to accept compliments because I don't believe that I am as attractive as people say so I dismiss them, but that isn't the point. Click to expand...

maybe not true love said: As for not going to counseling, if I am understanding you correctly - you are saying that therapists tend to favor with the female? Click to expand...

maybe not true love said: I do take some offense to the medication comment so that we can have a civil conversation. I am able to engage conversation and give proper respect when it is due and I expect the same. I try to look at things objectively (not an ability I have always had) and I expect the person to whom I am speaking and interacting with to extend the same courtesy to me. This is where my husband and I fail. BOTH of us. So the fact that I would be the only one that might need the medication is insulting. Click to expand...

maybe not true love said: Furthermore, while I did take some things from your post, the fact that you "had a rough night" does not justify saying things in a "harsh" way. The fact that you recognized that your tone might come across offensive before you hit the submit button suggests to me that you apology was more of a disclaimer than a true apology. However, again, you did have some valid things to say that I can ponder on so thank you for you comment and your advice! Click to expand...

OP, I want to suggest a book to read. It is called "Every man's Battle" by Steve Arterburn. He is a Christian author. It explains how men process sexual stimuli, which is completely different from females. At the end of each chapter there is a section for the wives to grow and learn about the husband. It is excellent That being said, it is very graphic and pray before you read it.  

Thank you, Over20, I will add it to my list of books to read!  

It really helped me a lot...I did have anger at first....but have really been able to help hubs through some tough times...it is very, very hard for a man NOT to look. They are wired TOO look. Rest assured that even Victoria Secret models husbands look. If you struggle as you read it...please Pm me...I will help.  

I appreciate your openness, MNTL. You seem like a genuine person. I have a handful of points for you. I remember a pastor I knew once saying to someone, "Would you trash your car because the headlights didn't work?" It's not likely. You'd get it fixed. Your hubby sounds like he is insecure, like I said before. Your subsequent posts are confirming this more and more. He craves attention--and varied attention at that. I am going to openly confess something now that I've never mentioned online before: I was like that, too. I fell for anyone who paid me attention. I even felt that way to a lesser degree after marriage, although I struggled against it rather than embracing it. Now I no longer have this issue! At least, not in the same way or to the same degree. For me the issue came through a variety of things that happened to me in my childhood. I had all kinds of messed up experiences that I carried with me in my head long after I'd been through them. At the root of it all was fear. In particular, there was fear of abandonment and rejection. I came across as quite confident in public, but I always had that fear. It made it very difficult to trust anyone, including my wife. In no particular order, here are some of the main things that helped me: Working out at the gym. I know, it sounds like a red herring, but it is difficult to overstate the positive effect that this has had on certain areas of my thoughts. It just seems to balance the body chemistry amazingly well. Part of this is a feeling of greater control and less helplessness. And that translates to feeling more confident in situations where I'd previously have had a back-of-the-mind fear of abandonment. Facing my fears. Boy, I did not want to go through this, but it made me stronger. Well, mostly. I went through a period where I was actually rejected--or at least I felt that way--and I felt like there was no one to lean on for anything. I was sick and had other serious problems and I had to go through them on my own. In fact, I had people harassing me during some of the worst times. Not fun. But having to rely solely on myself and try to trust God brought me to a stronger place. Of course, I very much do not recommend that you instigate anything like this! However, if your husband can find a way to face these fears (which I assume he has), then he will be stronger for it. Whatever that looks like. Practice. Bit by bit, I practiced trust. It's hard to explain, but I really did just that. I would choose to trust and then stick with it. Letting go and taking responsibility for me. I had to slightly disassociate myself from other people and not feel so strongly bound to them in a way. I had to let other people be who they were, regardless of what I might feel about who that turned out to be. And I maintained my own life, taking responsibility for everything I possibly could. This also gave me a feeling of strength, which translated to less fear of abandonment. I still care just as much, but I have the strength to allow people to reject me if they want to. I realized that my need to be liked was driven by a fear of rejection and knowing this allowed me to separate myself from that need. It was also a kind of sympathy. For instance, if I was hit on by a pretty girl I felt like I had to return her attention or she would feel rejected. And the last thing I wanted to do was to subject someone to that feeling! Plus, if I rejected them, they'd probably give me the cold shoulder and then I'd wind up rejected again, too. Becoming more confident and less needy overall helped fix this, because I got to a point where I simply felt less needy of other people's attention to help me feel good about myself. I did a lot of stuff to solidify my own ability to be happy without needing other people. And now I can also hold better conversations without feeling like I have to be centre of attention so much. Before, I could make friends in a heartbeat, but I could never maintain friendships nearly as well. I was hooked on meeting new people and having them like me. But no amount of that covered up the hole I had from fear of rejection. That fear had to be extinguished. Anyways, I hope some of that is useful. Oh, also, would you mind using more spaced paragraphs? I'm sure you'll get more readers by doing so.  

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maybe not true love said: ... I am aware and I am grown enough to admit that I am terribly insecure and I don't trust him, but this is something I am currently trying to work on. I gained 90 pounds due to some medication I was taking which just set my self esteem even lower than it originally was. So, I do understand where some of these feelings are coming from. He is displaying normal male behavior, I think the problem is totally within yourself. However, at the risk of sounding arrogant, I know I am not an ugly person (even with the weight gain) because I notice other's reactions to me. I think you are delusional about that, many people see themselves in a magic mirror. Fat is ugly. Nonetheless, fat people can be beautiful people . Even after all of this time (10 years) I break into hysterical crying spells because it hurts so bad! My thinking goes: If you like their look - what happens when you like everything else also? No matter who you are - there is ALWAYS someone better, so if you are lowering your guard for eye candy - instead of just saying okay, she's pretty (no detailed thought of what looks nice, just she's pretty) what else might you ease into and then justify it later? Yes, your problem here also. Ofcourse there are better people than you, but that is a definition and a way of viewing relations that is totally in your head . If he loves you that is not important to him, love is overcoming that. The looking at other women is a normal thing to do for men, and to appreciate what you like is very natural. That does not mean you want to have sex with all of them right away, like insecure women seem to think. It is appreciating beauty. What is important is that if you are too much overweight, his physical tolerance and love may be stretched and exhausted. I can understand that. So it is good you work on your body. But really, I think your mental problems will be the real killer of your relation, and the next. .... Click to expand...

If I may advise, your elaborate posts show a lot of thinking and that may not always be good. Maybe you could pick up some kind of discipline that gives your life more direction, like a competitive sport, or an art form like sculpting. That will i.m.h.o. help you process emotions and feelings in an unconscious manner and build good things for your personality.  

I haven't read every single post here, mostly because of the big blocks of text without paragraphs. Though it seems that is getting better. You are a grown up woman. Here are some hard truths for you. This topic CONSTANTLY comes up, either in Men's Clubhouse or here. 1) Men look at women. We do. And the men who puff up like little hedgehogs screaming 'oh no...I don't look at women' will also admit that they FORCE THEMSELVES not to look at women. So...you can, as a mate seeker, look for a man who can bench press 500 lbs. It is possible...but there aren't many men like that. Your pool of perspective men is very small. Likewise, you can look for a man who doesn't look at other women, never looks at other women and is totally blind where other women are concerned. I imagine you would do better finding a guy who can bench 500 lbs. 2) It seems that you are married. If you are pulling this on your husband now, always having felt that a husband should NEVER look at another woman, you either told him this or you didn't. I'm guessing 'didn't'. In which case going ballistic and huffing and puffing about this 'mandatory' trait he was supposed to have is rather unfair. But say this is a recent thought of yours. 2) If YOU changed your attitudes toward marriage and what a man should be, that is on YOU. There are a billion Christians out there...and almost a billion different interpretations of the faith. You may think that looking is as bad as acting. He probably doesn't. It is blatantly unfair to constantly change the goalposts in the marriage on him. If this is a deal breaker, divorce him. But that is on you. A respectful decent husband is not going to be easily replaced. 3) You seem to be Christian, so let's look at ALL the Book, shall we and not just the parts which serve as a theological club to batter your husband into submission. - God seemed pretty open to polygamy. So merely looking isn't that bad. - Jesus talked about 'looking with lust is a person committing adultery' but this is more of a cautionary note. He also said rich men aren't going to make it to Heaven essentially...but that is reading strictly in the most literal aspect of his word. - Wives, submit to your husbands. Oh...don't like that part of the Book? What do you think that means? Do you think 'submit' means 'I get to control my husband'? I would not normally use this verse in argument, but if you feel the need to swing the theological club at him...well...it swings both ways. God ORDERED a prophet to marry a prostitute...and also ordered him to stay married even after she ran off and serviced half of Israel to prove long suffering and fidelity of God to Israel. Here...you have accept that your husband occasionally glances at women. 4) The Bible mentions that we should be forgiving of our flawed brethren. People sin every day. YOU sin every day. And if I got your husband drunk and we had a man to man talk, I bet he could spill a number of 'flaws' in yourself which drive him crazy...but he accepts them because he accepts you. In this matter, add it to the other flaws in his character that you have come to peace with. 5) You do not get to control what your husband does or thinks. Sorry...you just don't. You can only control how YOU react to his actions. I love my wife. I won't cheat on my wife. But my wife is not the prettiest person in the universe...while still being a beautiful creature whom I value above ALL others. There are a lot of great things and people I want to do...but I don't act upon them because of the cost. That doesn't mean I am so blind, dull and stupid to not note that I have these opportunities. But you can make as big a mountain out of this as you want to. I was raised by VERY CHRISTIAN PEOPLE. The slightest deviation from 'God's Word' (which surprisingly seemed to jibe exactly with their own opinions) was met with a rather strong set of punishments. I learned to lie and hide my true self from them. Why? When you raise the price of honesty too high, all you get are lies. One of my stock phrases that people need to hear more. If you want the 'true self' of your husband, you cannot shut down the channels of communication. If you want a sock puppet of what you will accept...stay the course. This is one of the dangers of how some women approach this issue. Wife and I were at a bar yesterday and she asked my opinion of the women I met there. I truthfully pointed out the prettiest (IMO) and the one I 'clicked' with the most. Why? She asked...and she could handle the truth. And by telling her this, she could more closely monitor when I was by these women...and by being honest, *I* forced myself to be mindful when I was around these women. To want to pretend that one is always the prettiest of them all...um...wasn't that the attitude of the Wicked Stepmother in Snow White?  

JCD said: I would not normally use this verse in argument, but if you feel the need to swing the theological club at him...well...it swings both ways. God ORDERED a prophet to marry a prostitute...and also ordered him to stay married even after she ran off and serviced half of Israel to prove long suffering and fidelity of God to Israel. Click to expand...

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Wandering Eye

Neglected by her workaholic husband, a young wife, Maren Abbott, meets a man through Wandering Eye - a networking website designed to facilitate extramarital liaisons. Neglected by her workaholic husband, a young wife, Maren Abbott, meets a man through Wandering Eye - a networking website designed to facilitate extramarital liaisons. Neglected by her workaholic husband, a young wife, Maren Abbott, meets a man through Wandering Eye - a networking website designed to facilitate extramarital liaisons.

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The Danger of a Wandering Eye

A long-term study of newlyweds reveals the precursors of infidelity..

Posted May 14, 2018 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

Infidelity is a major cause of relationship breakdown, and so understanding why some people cheat is an important area of research.

Of course, none of us is immune to temptation. Committing to a long-term, exclusive relationship doesn’t close our minds to the alternative. A marriage vow enshrines our intention “to forsake all others,” but it can’t render all others unattractive.

Psychological research suggests that we manage our illicit desires by tearing our attentions away from appealing alternatives (“Out of sight, out of mind”), and by devaluing the allure of those who nevertheless catch our eye ("They aren’t all that”). Those who report greater commitment to their partners tend to deploy these so-called “evaluative biases” more effectively.

James McNulty and his colleagues at Florida State University, in a paper published recently in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology , wondered whether evaluative biases have any effect on real-world behavior. Reported feelings of commitment are one thing, but actual infidelity is another thing entirely.

Are people who are able to still their wandering eyes less likely to cheat?

McNulty’s team recruited around 500 newlyweds (most couples were male-female) for a long-term study. At the beginning of the study, all the volunteers visited the researchers’ lab. There they completed two tasks:

• The first was a test of the volunteers’ attention to romantic alternatives. The volunteers were shown a series of photographs of attractive and average-looking men and women on a computer screen. After each photograph disappeared from the screen, it was replaced by a square or a circle. The volunteers’ job was to click one button if the shape was a square and another if it was a circle. Sounds easy, right? However, the photograph wasn’t always in the same place on the screen —each one jumped to a new position. And the shapes that appeared after the photographs were sometimes in the same position as the photograph, and sometimes elsewhere. The idea behind the task was that volunteers who find it difficult to drag their attention away from a face will be slower to categorize a shape when it materializes elsewhere on the screen. An attractive face is more likely to "glue" your eyes in position.
• In the second task, the volunteers’ tendency to devalue the attractiveness of others was tested. The volunteers rated the attractiveness of the same men and women whose photographs they had seen in the first task. A control group of single volunteers also rated the photographs. On average, the newlyweds rated the photographs as less attractive than the singletons did, which confirms the results of previous research indicating that those in a committed relationship are more inclined to devalue the attractiveness of others. However, each volunteer varied in the extent to which they devalued attractiveness compared to the average singleton. Some thought the faces were relatively unattractive; others thought the faces were relatively attractive.

Over the next three years, the volunteers periodically completed surveys about their commitment to their marriage, and reported on infidelity by themselves and their spouses.

McNulty discovered that those who had found attractive others more attention-grabbing were more likely to have cheated on their partner by the end of the three years. In fact, he could be specific about it: Each increase in the speed of disengagement of one-tenth of a second (about the difference between gold and silver medal times in elite 100m sprint races) decreased the odds of infidelity by a massive 50 percent . I’ll say it again: If you can tear your eyes away from a hottie 100ms faster, you are half as likely to cheat on your partner in the next three years.

Of course, we can’t be sure that cheating is caused by a wandering eye. It is possible that people who are distracted by attractive alternatives also behave differently in other ways, or possess certain attitudes or values that directly influence infidelity. McNulty also found that cheaters were more likely to report lower relationship satisfaction and to have younger partners.

Those who reported infidelity were also less likely to devalue the attractiveness of alternatives: If you think other people are hot, you’re more likely to stray. In McNulty’s study, volunteers who rated attractive, opposite- sex persons an average of two points lower in attractiveness on a 1–10 scale were half as likely to have cheated.

So, a tendency to avoid looking at attractive others, and to view those who do attract attention as less appealing, does seem to be associated with faithfulness.

Further analyses revealed that people who rated others as more attractive tended to be less satisfied with their relationships by the end of the three years. Also, McNulty discovered that volunteers who found it more difficult to drag their attention away from attractive alternatives were more likely to have broken up. (After three years, around 12 percent of all the couples had gone their separate ways.)

Volunteers were also photographed at the beginning of the study, and their own photographs were rated for attractiveness by a group of independent volunteers. When a woman was low in others' perceived attractiveness, both she and her partner were more likely to cheat. The male partner’s attractiveness was unimportant.

McNulty, J. K., Meltzer, A. L., Makhanova, A., & Maner, J. K. (in press). Attentional and evaluative biases help people maintain relationships by avoiding infidelity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. doi:10.1037/pspi0000127

Robert Burriss, Ph.D., is an evolutionary psychologist at Basel University in Switzerland. He produces The Psychology of Attractiveness Podcast.

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Husband's Post About Having Wandering Eye Goes Viral For Amazing Reason

This guy's Facebook post goes from, “Whooooa, slow your roll, you creeper!” to, “ D'AWWWWW !” faster than you can say,

Marriage is like super weird, right?

Husbands staring at women they shouldn't be staring at is an age-old problem in marriages.

These incidents are what easily lead to 70 percent of silent car rides home from Denny's and are responsible for most married guys knowing all the comfy ways to sleep on couches.

As he explained in a recent Facebook post, Salt Lake City's Jason Hewlett almost fell into the above category.

Or maybe he actually did? I don't know. This one is weird.

Kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I think I sort of cheated on my wife today. To explain what I mean, I was at... Posted by Jason Hewlett The Entertainer on Tuesday, December 1, 2015

In the post, Jason wrote,

Kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I think I sort of cheated on my wife today. To explain what I mean, I was at Target getting a few manly things, you know - eyebrow tweezers, toenail clippers, beard trimmers, mustache molding waxes, some beef jerky, sardines, trail mix, a loofah - and as I went to pay I saw this woman in line that knocked me out. I thought, 'Wow, some lucky guy is with her', and in a split second I realized it was my wife!

You need a Harvard law degree to figure out if that is cheating or not.

In Jason's defense, the story gets a lot more innocent after he stares at this "other woman." He wrote,

First off, I was taken aback by how amazingly beautiful she is once again. I believe I see it often, but today, not knowing she was at the store, I saw her with new eyes and just couldn't believe I get to be her fella. It made me blush -- but no one could see it under my huge monster Movember beard. Second, it amazed me that she didn't notice me in the slightest. This is both a good and a bad thing. Good in that she doesn't have a wandering eye. Good in that she didn't see the creepy dude with the overgrown mink on his face peering over her shoulder. But maybe that's bad, too, like what if it hadn't been me? I need to get her another can of mace just in case. But it was also bad because I realized how close I came to not ever winning her love in the first place, and the herculean efforts I had to make all those years ago to even get her attention just to say yes to one date! For a minute I felt that familiar grief of doom when I first saw her and knew well, that's impossible. But somehow I nabbed her despite my insecurities, inabilities, and imperfections. Third, I was ultimately so pleased to see her in complete confidence on this day, as the independent, capable, humble, fun, sweet, kind, awesome person she is. And then she grabbed her things and walked out the door. I never said anything, didn't flag her down, just watched her walk away, admiringly, knowing she's my wife and I love everything about this woman.

Cute? Not cute? IS JASON A DIRTY, CHEATING MONSTER??!?! You decide.

Citations: Guy Sorta Cheats on His Wife Becomes an Internet Sensation (Complex)

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wandering eye

Definition of wandering eye

Dictionary entries near wandering eye.

wandering dune

wandering jenny

Cite this Entry

“Wandering eye.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary , Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/wandering%20eye. Accessed 18 Apr. 2024.

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